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twas the day after Christmas, and all thru the mall
nobody was satisfied, nobody at all
the stockings were wrong in both color and size
they don’t match my handbag they pinch my fat thighs

wait a minute. Who cares what the rascals are doing. Let's talk about something Krishna conscious.


A Visit From Lord Jagannath, Baladeva and Subhadra Devi

By Yama Niyama dasa Brahmacari, the duly initiated disciple of His Holiness His Holiness Bhakti Mayapur Mahaprabhu Maha-Mantra Maharaja

'Twas the day of Rathayatra, and all through the town
All the rascals were wasting time, hanging around
They were smoking and drinking and styling their hair
They did not know that Lord Jagannath soon would be there

The posters were hung on the telephone poles
Saying, "free food and music" to attract fallen souls
All devotees in dhotis and Prabhupada hats
Were going to give mercy to all the dogs and the cats

We made chariots so tall they were scraping the sky
In hopes that the demons would all curl up and die
Prasadam was coming in trucks down the road
So we could feed all the karmis until they explode

We took over the park and blocked off all the streets
We were ready to pelt them with peanuts and sweets
Police force was there with the nightsticks and guns
Behaving like actual ksatriyas for once

We told them if someone attacks this parade
You can beat them until they require first aid
When finally chariots are ready to roll
We blow all the conchshells and say Hari bol.

The nondevotees had never seen such a sight
They passed stool and urine and trembled in fright
The kirtan was roaring like hundred jet planes
Screaming and shouting calling out holy names:

"Jaya Jagannath, Jaya Baladeva, Jaya Subhadra Devi
Jaya Prabhupada, Jaya harinama, jaya assembled devotees"
We smashed whompers together so eardrums would shatter
And even deaf persons would say, "What is the matter?"

Lord Jagannath smiled in His gigantic way
He is going to Kurukshetra for picnic today
He rolled down the street with His sankirtana army
Destroying the karma of all of the karmis

Two hundred new bhaktas shaved up on the spot
With the battery-powered hair buzzer we brought
We put blazing fresh tilak on forehead and nose
And said go take prasad now sit down in rows

We piled up gulab jamuns high on their plates
Until their eyeballs were rolling in big figure eights
They ate mountains of curd and an ocean of broth
No one said a word except "Jaya Jagannath!"

Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But the bucket brigade of sweet rice and kheer
More rapid than fire hose they poured down the gullet
Causing instant effulgence to shine from the mullet

They lay down on the left side with prasadam filled belly
And shook when they laughed like haribol full of jelly
They all fell asleep then and there in the park
And would not even wake up when we left after dark

The police when they found them there early next morning
Said OK go home now we are giving you warning
The brand new devotees with their freshly shaved heads
With great difficulty got up from flower beds

They chanted and danced in military procession
The next generation of disciplic succession
Everyone heard them sing in big Vaishnava choir,
"Hare Krishna to all, and you all are in, maya!"


from Christmas is. . .Not on Vaishnava Calendar, released December 13, 2013



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Yama Niyama Dasa Brahmachari

Yama Niyama Dasa Brahmachari is insignificant servant of devotees of Lord. Our humble mission: to remind everyone that human life is meant for the spiritual pursuit. Other pursuit is simply for the animal. Oh, and we are all going to die even though soul is eternal, so no point in trying to so-called "enjoy" this world. YNDB came from very low-class background which he does not like to discuss. ... more

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