Christmas is. . .Not on Vaishnava Calendar

by Yama Niyama Dasa Brahmachari

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    Very much fancy packaging and label, with actual Sharpie Pen autograph by your humble servant. You will enjoy and have something to hold in your two lotus hands also. Meanwhile you are singing along, and lyrics are helpfully included online, on this page if you need them but you will not. Hare Krishna.

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released December 13, 2013

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Track Name: Simply Hell
Dashing through your life, in a less than animal way
You do whatever you like, eating nonsense shrimp buffet

Too many cocktail drinks, and you get into one fight
What fun it is to ride to the emergency room tonight. Oh,

Simply hell, Simply hell
This world is dangerous place
It is no fun to have to die in a million painful ways oh

Simply hell, Simply hell
That is simply what it is
It is folly to be wise man where the ignorance is bliss

Christmas time is here. Homicide is on the rise
They live such sinful life, it is not so big surprise

They pray for peace on earth
And they fight like dog and cat
Singing bhajan to the snowman
What would Jesus say about that?

Oh simply hell, simply hell
This world is miserable place
Oh what fun it is to punch thy neighbor in the face, Oh,

Simply hell, simply hell
That is simply what it is
It is foolish to be wise man where the ignorance is bliss.
Track Name: Rudolph the Red-faced Materialist
Rudolph the red-faced materialist
Working very hard like ass
He's never asking why it is
I should be working very hard like ass

All of his friends are mudha
They like to go to football game
Rudolph is number one rascal
His friends are pretty much the same

Then some Krishna devotees
On sankirtan one day
Said Rudolph with your face so red
You should simply shave your head

Then he became so angry
Chasing them with hunting knife
Rudolph the red-faced materialist
You'll go down to hellish life.
Track Name: Demons in the Age of Kali
Sex Is All (deck the halls)


Demons in the Age of Kali manda su manda matayoh
Have no reason to be jolly kaler dosha nidhe rajan
Always fighting over nothing krodha bhavati sammohah
Knocking out each others' stuffing dhiras tatra na muhyati

sex is all that keeps them going srama eva hi kevalam
And they don't know where they're going pravrittim ca nivrittim ca
when we give them good direction sarva dharman parityaja
they have nothing but objection na mam duskritinoh mudha

Christmastime means we're all freezing sitosna sukha duhka da
Every other breath, we're sneezing janma mrtyu jara vyadhi
Adhidaivika, adhyatmika, misery, misery, misery
Material life is not so pleasing. Duhka doshanu darshana
sarva dharman parityaja
Track Name: Yamaraja is Coming to Town
You better watch out, You are going to die
Get serious now. I'm telling you why
Yamaraja is coming to town

He's making a list, Punishing sin
Milk and cookies Will not pacify him
Yamaraja is coming to town

He knows what you've been doing
But he may give you one break
If you become pure devotee
He will not feed you to the snakes

So surrender to Lord, Follow four rules
You don't want to swim In the River of Stool
Yamaraja is coming to town

Oh, the boiling oil is waiting For the too much lusty man
He will find out Iron Maiden Is not just name of band

Don't be eaten alive By the jackals and hounds
Chant attentively All of your rounds.
Yamaraja is coming to town

They will throw you to the ruru
That is what Fifth Canto said
So listen to your guru And go back to Godhead.
Track Name: Frosty the Nondevotee
Frosty the Nondevotee
He did not believe in soul
He was always sad and totally mad
from lack of sense control

Frosty the nondevotee
Less intelligent as can be
Because he thought like this: that Krishna is
Just the same as you and me.

There must have been no purport in the Gita that he found
'cause when he finished reading he did not start chanting rounds.

Oh, Frosty the nondevotee
he never once did pray
He was so advanced at removing pants
He'll take birth as dog someday.

Chumpity chump chump, chumpity chump chump
He is simply fool
Lumpity lump lump lumpity lump lump
Chasing the lumps of stool.
Track Name: A Visit From Lord Jagannatha
A Visit From Lord Jagannath, Baladeva and Subhadra Devi

By Yama Niyama dasa Brahmacari, the duly initiated disciple of His Holiness His Holiness Bhakti Mayapur Mahaprabhu Maha-Mantra Maharaja

'Twas the day of Rathayatra, and all through the town
All the rascals were wasting time, hanging around
They were smoking and drinking and styling their hair
They did not know that Lord Jagannath soon would be there

The posters were hung on the telephone poles
Saying, "free food and music" to attract fallen souls
All devotees in dhotis and Prabhupada hats
Were going to give mercy to all the dogs and the cats

We made chariots so tall they were scraping the sky
In hopes that the demons would all curl up and die
Prasadam was coming in trucks down the road
So we could feed all the karmis until they explode

We took over the park and blocked off all the streets
We were ready to pelt them with peanuts and sweets
Police force was there with the nightsticks and guns
Behaving like actual ksatriyas for once

We told them if someone attacks this parade
You can beat them until they require first aid
When finally chariots are ready to roll
We blow all the conchshells and say Hari bol.

The nondevotees had never seen such a sight
They passed stool and urine and trembled in fright
The kirtan was roaring like hundred jet planes
Screaming and shouting calling out holy names:

"Jaya Jagannath, Jaya Baladeva, Jaya Subhadra Devi
Jaya Prabhupada, Jaya harinama, jaya assembled devotees"
We smashed whompers together so eardrums would shatter
And even deaf persons would say, "What is the matter?"

Lord Jagannath smiled in His gigantic way
He is going to Kurukshetra for picnic today
He rolled down the street with His sankirtana army
Destroying the karma of all of the karmis

Two hundred new bhaktas shaved up on the spot
With the battery-powered hair buzzer we brought
We put blazing fresh tilak on forehead and nose
And said go take prasad now sit down in rows

We piled up gulab jamuns high on their plates
Until their eyeballs were rolling in big figure eights
They ate mountains of curd and an ocean of broth
No one said a word except "Jaya Jagannath!"

Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But the bucket brigade of sweet rice and kheer
More rapid than fire hose they poured down the gullet
Causing instant effulgence to shine from the mullet

They lay down on the left side with prasadam filled belly
And shook when they laughed like haribol full of jelly
They all fell asleep then and there in the park
And would not even wake up when we left after dark

The police when they found them there early next morning
Said OK go home now we are giving you warning
The brand new devotees with their freshly shaved heads
With great difficulty got up from flower beds

They chanted and danced in military procession
The next generation of disciplic succession
Everyone heard them sing in big Vaishnava choir,
"Hare Krishna to all, and you all are in, maya!"
Track Name: Believe There is God
Believe there is God
You should believe there is God
Believe there is God. Of course He is there whether you believe or not.

Believe there is God
You should believe there is God
Believe there is God. You're simply animal if you do not.

How I wish you would chant Hare Krishna,
How I wish you would chant Hare Krishna,
How I wish you would chant Hare Krishna,
And learn the Bhagavatam by heart.

Believe there is God
You should believe there is God
Believe there is God. You're simply animal if you do not.

Believe there is God
You should believe there is God
You would believe there is God, if you read any book by Srila Prabhupada.

How I wish you would chant Hare Krishna,
How I wish you would chant Hare Krishna,
How I wish you would chant Hare Krishna,
And learn the Bhagavatam by heart.
Track Name: In Front of the Altar
In front of the altar I do pause
Krishna is dressed as Santa Claus
Who is treating Lord this way?
Like department store display?

No,no,no. it cannot be so.
No,no,no. it cannot be so.
This type of nonsense makes me sick
Supreme Lord is not Saint Nick.

Up on the altar causing me pain
Reindeer, sleigh and candy cane
Christmas tree surrounded by toys
Is this the way, the Lord enjoys?

No no no it cannot be so
No no no it cannot be so
Such speculation is not even funny
Next they will dress Lord as Easter Bunny
Track Name: It Never Snows!
You will never see brahmajyoti
If you badmouth the Lord's devotee
No, instead the place you will go
It never snows, never snows, never snows.

You may think you are so insightful
But your heart is simply spiteful
You think heaven is where you will go
I don't think so, don't think so, don't think so.

May you finally take one break
From all the blaspheming you do
Or I hope you like the Shake and Bake
They are waiting to shake and bake you

Your bhakti lata will go in toilet
Because your aparadha will spoil it
You will be most literally toast
You'll be toast (x 3)

If you kindly take my advice
You will have less explaining to do
But if you simply cannot be nice
How I would hate to be you.

Even great sage like Durvasa
Had to run from Sudarshana Chakra
Let us see how fast you can go
Better go, better go, better go.
Track Name: The Twelve Days of Krishna
On the first day of Krishna my UNCLE offered me
A job pumping gas in Black Sea

On the second day of Krishna my GRANDPA sent to me
Monkey On A Stick and A job pumping gas in Black Sea

On the third day of Krishna my grandma sent to me
Three HOMEMADE PIEROGI, Monkey On A Stick and A job pumping gas in Black Sea

On the fourth day of Krishna my father offered me
Four year college tuition, Three HOMEMADE PIEROGI, Monkey On A Stick and A job pumping gas in Black Sea

On the fifth day of Krishna my mother's calling me
All day THE telephone rings
Four year college tuition, Three HOMEMADE PIEROGI, Monkey On A Stick and A job pumping gas in Black Sea

On the sixth day of Krishna my old friends sent to me
Six pack of Pepsi, All day the telephone rings
Four year college tuition, three HOMEMADE PIEROGI, Monkey On A Stick and A job pumping gas in Black Sea
On the seventh day of Krishna one old girlfriend wrote to me
She is seven months expecting, Six-pack of Pepsi, All day the telephone rings
Four year college tuition, three HOMEMADE PIEROGI, Monkey On A Stick and A job pumping gas in Black Sea
On the eighth day of Krishna my whole family sent to me

Attempt at deprogramming, seven months expecting, Six-pack of Pepsi, All day the telephone rings
Four year college tuition, three HOMEMADE PIEROGI, Monkey On A Stick and A job pumping gas in Black Sea

On the ninth day of Krishna my temple president told me,
"Um, bhakta Igor Prabhu, Hare Krishna. Your family is very much attached to you. But we do not want to find out what they are sending tomorrow. So you should go pacify them. Simply you visit for two minutes and then come back. Do not preach to them. Just be nice. Do not preach."
I said "OK Prabhu I will do as you say."

So on the next day of Krishna I explained my family:

Eighteen chapters Gita, Sixteen rounds of japa, Fifteen Sanskrit vowels
Fourteen planetary systems, Thirteen tilak markings, Twelve Bhagavatam cantos
Eleven zonal acharyas, Ten zonal acharyas, Brand new guru system
Ten-offenses for avoiding, Nine limbs of bhakti, Eight principal gopis
Seven-islands of Bhu Mandala, Six Goswamis' teachings
Five features of the Absolute Truth, Four regulative principles
No more threefold misery, Two lotus feet And I am not pumping gas in Black Sea.
Track Name: Chopping Down the Coniferous Tree
Chopping down coniferous tree
Such cruel, unusual thing
Killing the helpless entity
On which to hang their bling.

Chopping down coniferous tree
They don't even know why they do
Senseless violence annually
Since fourteen seventy-two.

You may have some sentimental condition yes indeed
If half-dead plant is making you jolly
That is called the age of Kali

Chopping down coniferous tree
When did Jesus say you should do?
Where in the scripture specifically
Does Lord ask tree from you?

You must have some transcendental vision if you see
Benefit in hanging tinsel
When the whole thing is simply whimsical

Chopping down coniferous tree
Then you simply throw in the street
You should be worshiping Tulasi devi
And Krishna's lotus feet.
Track Name: Have a Brahmachari Christmas
Have a brahmachari Christmas
Keep your program very austere
Sleep six hours and take cold showers
Simply chant and hear

Have a brahmachari Christmas
Go for chanting on the street
Say Haribol to all fallen soul
As they go for eating meat

All in saffron we will go
The Sam Kirtan Army
Making every rascal take one
First Canto Part Three

Have a brahmachari Christmas
Keep your head so shiny and clean
Better safe than sari have a brahmachari Christmas
You know what I mean.

Have a brahmachari Christmas
Santa Claus is not worshiped here
This life is for meditating on Lord
Not fat old man with beard
No, no, no mistletoe
Forget about that please
Don't even dream about
Talking to matajis

Have a brahmachari Christmas
Like my temple president said
Keep it in your pants and you'll have a better chance of
Going back to Godhead.
Track Name: Here Comes the Time of Death
Here comes the time of death
Here comes the time of death
What does time of death mean?
Soul is changing clothes and going into brand new machine

Never mind that you are president, black white skinny or fat
Ugly, beautiful, stupid, smart; the time of death changes all that

Here comes the time of death
Here comes the time of death
Fearful to the brain
Now is chance to chant and dance so you don't take birth again

Service to the Lord is carried forward no diminution or loss
Time of death takes everything else like opposite of Santa Claus.

Here comes the time of death
Here comes the time of death
Closer every day
It is not some dream which anti-aging cream can make go-away

So much precious time they're wasting all for saving this skin
Only Krishna's name can save you from predicament you are in

Oh? What is that? It is Harinam sankirtan party? Oh haribol!

Here comes sankirtan, here comes sankirtan
Right down sankirtan lane
Giving bliss to the devotees and causing demons pain

We don't care for rascal public
They're all crazy insane
Krishna comes in Kali-yuga as the holy name.

Here comes sankirtan here comes sankirtan
Track Name: The Krishna Song (Chapaties Puffing on the Propane Fire)
Chapatis puffing on the propane fire
Subji cooking on the stove
Vaishnava bhajan playing through the amplifier
Radha Madhava enjoying in the groves

Every devotee knows
If you don't go to Bhagavatam class
And fail to chant your sixteen rounds
You-will-make-such-advancement in becoming like ass
You will find it hard to keep any vows.

The time of death is going to come someday
What-happens then depends on what you do today
Don't waste another life trying to sense gratify
Or you'll take birth again and simply have to cry

And so I'm offering the bhoga now
Why don't you sweep the temple room?
May Lord Govinda who gives pleasure to the cows be
Very merciful to you.

[BV:] Kalki avatar is on His way
He's going to kill the rascals who refuse to pray
[LV:] So do not let this lifetime pass you by
And then take birth again as dog or cat . . . .or fly

And so we are going out on sankirtan
Just Like Chaitanya-Mahaprabhu
He says you should chant all the time every place so
Hare Krishna
Hare Krishna to you.